在人類學家 Helen Fisher 的 TED 演講中，她闡述了自己認為決定愛的三大腦組織：欲望、浪漫的愛情和依賴感。而出軌這件事，可以這樣解釋：
But these three brain systems: lust, romantic love and attachment, aren't always connected to each other.
這三個大腦組織：欲望、浪漫的愛情和依賴，并不總是彼此相關。
You can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else, while you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners.
你可以對一個長期的伴侶有深深的依賴感，同時與另一個人享受浪漫的愛情，并且還能同時對一個不相關的第三人產(chǎn)生性欲。
In short, we're capable of loving more than one person at a time. In fact, you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else.
簡單來說，我們可以同時與不止一個人相愛。事實上，你晚上躺在床上可以一會兒想想那個你對他有依賴感的人，一會兒想想那個跟你有浪漫愛情的另一個人。
It's as if there's a committee meeting going on in your head as you are trying to decide what to do. So I don't think, honestly, we're an animal that was built to be happy; we are an animal that was built to reproduce.
你的大腦就像在開代表大會似的，你在思考下一步要做什么。所以說實話，我覺得我們是以繁殖為目的的物種，而不是以幸福為目的。
I think the happiness we find, we make. And I think, however, we can make good relationships with each other.
幸福，是我們發(fā)現(xiàn)和創(chuàng)造的。我認為，我們可以與每個人建立美好的關系。
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She's best known as an expert on romantic love, and her beautifully penned books — including Anatomy of Love and Why We Love — lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion.
人類學家 Helen Fisher 致力于研究性別差異與人類情緒的進化。她是研究愛情的專家，出版的著作有《愛的解析》和《愛的原因》，書中她為我們揭示了情緒的奧秘。
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
嗨。我在這里要和大家談談 向別人表達贊美，傾佩和謝意的重要性。 并使它們聽來真誠，具體。
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
之所以我對此感興趣 是因為我從我自己的成長中注意到 幾年前， 當我想要對某個人說聲謝謝時， 當我想要贊美他們時， 當我想接受他們對我的贊揚， 但我卻沒有說出口。 我問我自己，這是為什么? 我感到害羞，我感到尷尬。 接著我產(chǎn)生了一個問題 難道我是唯一一個這么做的人嗎? 所以我決定做些探究。
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
我非常幸運的在一家康復中心工作， 所以我可以看到那些因為上癮而面臨生與死的人。 有時候這一切可以非常簡單地歸結為， 他們最核心的創(chuàng)傷來自于他們父親到死都未說過“他為他們而自豪”。 但他們從所有其它家庭或朋友那里得知 他的父親告訴其他人為他感到自豪， 但這個父親從沒告訴過他兒子。 因為他不知道他的兒子需要聽到這一切。
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
因此我的問題是，為什么我們不索求我們需要的東西呢? 我認識一個結婚25年的男士 渴望聽到他妻子說， “感謝你為這個家在外賺錢，這樣我才能在家陪伴著孩子，” 但他從來不去問。 我認識一個精于此道的女士。 每周一次，她見到丈夫后會說， “我真的希望你為我對這個家和孩子們付出的努力而感謝我。” 他會應和到“哦，真是太棒了，真是太棒了。” 贊揚別人一定要真誠， 但她對贊美承擔了責任。 一個從我上幼兒園就一直是朋友的叫April的人， 她會感謝她的孩子們做了家務。 她說：“為什么我不表示感謝呢，即使他們本來就要做那些事情?”
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
因此我的問題是，為什么我不說呢? 為什么其它人不說呢? 為什么我能說：“我要一塊中等厚度的牛排， 我需要6號尺寸的鞋子，” 但我卻不能說：“你可以贊揚我嗎?” 因為這會使我把我的重要信息與你分享。 會讓我告訴了你我內心的不安。 會讓你認為我需要你的幫助。 雖然你是我最貼心的人， 我卻把你當作是敵人。 你會用我托付給你的重要信息做些什么呢? 你可以忽視我。 你可以濫用它。 或者你可以滿足我的要求。
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
我把我的自行車拿到車行--我喜歡這么做-- 同樣的自行車，他們會對車輪做整形。 那里的人說：“當你對車輪做整形時， 它會使自行車變成更好。” 我把這輛自行車拿回來， 他們把有小小彎曲的鐵絲從輪子上拿走 這輛車我用了2年半，現(xiàn)在還像新的一樣。 所以我要問在場的所有人， 我希望你們把你們的車輪整形一下： 真誠面對對你們想聽到的贊美。 你們想聽到什么呢? 回家問問你們的妻子，她想聽到什么? 回家問問你們的丈夫，他想聽到什么? 回家問問這些問題，并幫助身邊的人實現(xiàn)它們。
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
非常簡單。 為什么要關心這個呢? 我們談論世界和平。 我們怎么用不同的文化，不同的語言來保持世界和平? 我想要從每個小家庭開始。 所以讓我們在家里就把這件事情做好。 我想要感謝所有在這里的人們 因為你們是好丈夫，好母親， 好伙伴，好女兒和好兒子。 或許有些人從沒跟你們說過 但你們已經(jīng)做得非常非常得出色了。 感謝你們來到這里， 向世界顯示著你們的智慧，并用它們改變著世界。
「標簽: ted演講稿」
